On a whim, I decided to log on to this old site, and was greeted with a generated message which read "Your site has now been up for 318 weeks.............." Wow, that's almost 7 years! 7 years and no feedback, kind of makes a man skittish about updating. For all I know, this is out there on the world-wide web, and I'm the only one who reads it. With my luck, that is probably the case.
It is now March 11, 2008. It's been well over 2 years since I last updated this site. Nothing in our personal lives has changed all that drastically: no more babies born, have lost another friend, my last closest friend, so there won't be any more. We still struggle just to live, struggle to stay warm in the winter, struggle to stay cool in the summer - just an all around struggle to live.
Privately, I've intensely battled with depression, fighting the urge to not stay alive. Some days are easier than others. Some on the outside looking in would think that all of these children and such a lovely supportive wife would be enough to keep one going, but if that's your mindset, then you've never truly battled with depression. (By-the-way: This is the first time I have publicly discused my personal battle with depression. I do not discuss it on my other sites, only this one. So, if I receive any feedback about my battle with depression, then I'll know where it came from.) I've discussed the problem with my doc, and he's pretty on top of things. He's given me a medication that I refer to as the "airbag for my mind", and it's deployed more than once already this year.
There's really not much else that I can say here. I look at the photos on here, and nothing has changed at all except for the passage of time. My children are all larger, we've relocated to another home, but aside from that, absolutely nothing has changed. I did try to return to work last year, but that went belly-up. The job didn't, but I did. I could not physically handle the demands of the job. This is a laughingstock. 10 years ago, there wasn't anything that I could not do if I wanted to. Now, I lack the energy, I lack the physical capability. It's as though I've aged 25 years in just 10. I am 39 years old, and feel at least 59, if not older. What is wrong with me?
So, I will leave this as my words for another spanse of time, and will look back in another 6+ years, and wonder if things are still the same as they are now, or if they've somehow miraculously changed. Somehow, I don't think that much will have changed by then either. If, that is, I am still alive. It's weird to think that I might not make it another 6 years. By that time, Tyler will be 23 years old, and Josiah, the youngest, will be 9. I will be 45, and Leisa will be 49-50. It'll be interesting to see what happens then. Will you be around to witness it? Will I? Will anyone? It'll be interesting, to say the least.
So, see you in time..........
